'Gay, straight, black, white, it doesn't matter. NOBODY IS NORMAL it's a fact of life.....normal is more like an average...it's a mean....most people fit into this category called normal, in most cases, but the diversity of mental, and physical abnormalities even in "normal" people is staggering, few are of a particular category: be it extroverted, introverted, short, tall, fat, thin, anxious, neurotic, paranoid, cynical, temperamental, voyeuristic, gay, straight, transvestite, schizophrenic, bi-polar, socio-pathic, repressed, cleptomanic, alcoholic, etc...the list goes on and on and on... There is no such thing as a normal person ON THIS PLANET!!!!...only shades of common sanities.'
Hi there, & welcome to my coming out page!!
If you're visiting here, then the chances are Matt (my male self) has plucked up the courage to tell you something very very personal & you're very priviledged indeed, as you are one of very few!!
Either that or you're a fellow TV who has seen my picture elsewhere on the web.
Or perhaps even a friend of mine who has accidentally stumbeld accross this site. In which case do you recognise me?! What the hell are you doing here & is there something you want to tell me???
Now then for the inevitable Q&A session:
NO I'm not gay!! I am totally 100% straight. I have never had any desire to be with a man, & I can confidently say at the age of 32, I never will!!
NO I have no desire to become a woman. Yes, occasionally I like to dress up as one & look as much like one as possible, but I like being a guy & prefer being that way most of the time.
Why do I do it? - I can only guess that I love dressing as a girl because I have always loved women & the way they look, walk, smell etc, etc. & it's not that great a leap to wanting to make myself feel good by trying to become like them once in a while.
I wish I had been able to pluck up the courage to tell somebody I liked dressing as a girl sooner than I did, because in my late teens I had the perfect body & face to pass in public if someone had been there to help me. However, I was stuck in the closet for many years, but there were many narrow escapes, which I now wish hadn't been escapes!!
The one person I wish I had the courage to tell was Justine, because she's the most open minded of my friends. If you're reading this hon, I often wish we could have had some fun girlie nights when we were both in London. That blue & white silk dress you wore on my 21st birthday looked great on me, as you would have seen for yourself had you walked into my bedroom five minutes earlier than you did!! (Sorry - I was wearing underwear though and it was my own!!) And I longed to repeat the time when you did my makeup for the fancy dress party - you made me look so pretty, I wish I had told you how much I enjoyed it.
I also should apologise to my sister, whose clothes I probably wore more than her when we were growing up. I can also finally own up to taking your purple glitter nail polish when we were teenagers, despite my denials to you & mum!! What would you have said if I had admitted it was me? Maybe I would have got my dream of opening a secret Christmas present of my very own lingerie. (That dream still applies by the way folks!)
The other person to acknowledge is my wife. We've had very tough times over the last few years & we're still not through it all, but I love you & I hope that one day we'll be at a point where we can be more communicative about this part of me.
Here's my story.
Beginnings....
I have a feeling that I might have started out on the road to cross dressing when I was about 3. I vaguely remember getting ready to go out with my mum & my older sister, & having no clean underwear. My mum insisted that I wear a pair of my sister's knickers, which I was extremely upset about at the time. They were white cotton & the only difference between her undies & mine was that they were slightly frilly around the edges, but I knew they were girl's. My mum, I am sure has completely forgotten this incident, but this is probably my first childhoodmemory of any kind, but not the one I would own up to!!!
I also remember regularly (up to about the age of 12), having longish hair & being out with my mum & meeting friends of hers who would ask who this lovely looking girl was, when they were told I was a boy I could see the disappointment in there faces. I am sure this has played a major part in why I have always felt more attractive dressed as a girl than as a boy, which with all the help real girls get, is probably not entirely untrue.
The first time I knew I wanted to dress up was when I was six years old & I came home from school one day, desperate to try on my mum's stockings. I have no idea where the desire came from, but I am so glad it did because I went on to love dressing up as a girl!!
From memory, this carried on until I was in my early teens & my older sister started to amass some very desireable clothes that I just couldn't help myself from trying on. One day I did this when suddenly my sister came home with her friend. I was absoloutely terrified, especially when they knocked on my door & asked to come in!!! Fortunately I had locked it & came up with some excuse as to why I wouldn't come out. Now however I wish I had done as there would have been the possibility of them completing the transformation with some make up & hair styling & would have been one of the girls for a night!! Soon after that, I was playing with my sister's nail polish again, when somehow or other, I broke the bottle & had to hide it. This was probably the closest I came to being caught as an adolescent, as shortly after, my mum & my sister sat me down & quizzed me about what had happened to it. They must have discussed it prior to this & had come to the conclusion that it was me who borrowed it! To this day though my mum has never questioned me about it, she did make a few 'jokes' about me parading around in ladies underwear while nobody was home though!!
Into adulthood....
When I moved to college, I bought my first items of women's clothes. They were an all in one satin teddy & some hold up stockings. I will never forget the feeling of panic when I went to the cash till, nor the surging excitement as I made my way home knowing what I had done!!
Shortly after trying everything on for the 1st time, I decided my legs would look a lot better if they were hair free, and I duely shaved them. This took me about 2 hours as I had a lot to remove & I'd never done it before, but boy was it worth it!! My legs looked absolutely amazing. Just as I was admiring myself though a knock came at my door & I hurredly changed, hiding everything under a small chest of drawers, where they stayed for a few days until I got paranoid that they would be found by my flatmates, so I moved them into the wardrobe. Looking back now I wish I had left them where they were as that night my flatmates played a prank on me - locking me out of my room they put my chest of drawers out of the window & into the street. Imagine if they had found my stash - after a little embarrassment my life at college could have been a hell of a lot different & far more fun!!
Over the next few years I flat shared with various different girls, all the while raiding their wardrobes while they were out!!
One evening I went for a walk round the block & I'll never forget the wonderful sensations I felt. I must have looked a sight as I didn't have any decent outfits or a wig, but I didn't care - being out was just so amazing. One night, having done this on 5 or 6 occasions, I was getting rather complacent & had left my clothes strewn accross my bedroom floor & wandered off into the night. Just as I turned the corner out of my driveway, my flatmate was wandering up the road toward me. I panicked & ran as quickly as I could back to the front door where I fumbled with my keys for what seemed like hours, & got into the house just as she appeared behind me. As she entered the house she called through my door to see if I was OK, but said no more. I was later quized by my other flatmate about 'the girl in the driveway' & I made a pitiful attempt at pretending it was my sister, which I'm sure she didn't believe for one second. I just wish I had had the guts to open up to her.
The other interesting thing at this time was my visit to the Way Out club. It's the perfect place for us 'girls' and was great in that I could change there, so nobody outside of the club knew anything, but I have to admit to feeling very ill at ease. I'm not sure whether it was 1st night nerves, or being in such close proximity to other TVs but I really didn't relax & enjoy it so I only stayed for a couple of hours. I think I would like to try again, now I'm a bit more carefree, but think I should have a few more vodka & red bulls first.
Today....
At the age of 28 I met my wife. We had known each other for a few months before we got together, but we both knew we were in love the moment we kissed. So much so that I told her about Cate two weeks later. Unfortunately she struggles with it, but obviously it hasn't put her off that much as she stayed with me & eventually said "I do". Unfortunatley our way of dealing with my cross dressing is to sweep it under the carpet (I'll be needing my French maid's outfit then!) which is as much my fault as it is hers. I am hopeful that we can address it properly one day though, as it's too big a thing to just ignore in a marriage (& I'm tired of having to rush my transformations so she doesn't know I'm doing it).
I have included a few interesting links for anyone who wants a bit more information on cross dressing, which I think would be a really good idea for you to read before making any firm judgements about me.
Meanwhile this is who I am & is who I've always been, so if your feelings about me have changed in reading this, I'm sorry but the problem is yours not mine.
However, I'm sure you'll all be very supportive!! And you can be so by leaving me a message in my guestbook.
(Oh & if you're wondering, Cate is the name I was going to be called if I had been a girl.)
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